Women experience relationship breakdowns more intensely, men never fully process it

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that make us unhappy more often than they make us happy. Other times we are completely happy with what we have, but the other person sees no future in it. And sometimes we know that a relationship is not good for us, but it still controls us. Ultimately, we all know what all these relationships lead to: a breakup.

Whether it happens early in the relationship or after many years, no one is immune to the consequences of a relationship breakdown . The pain it causes, the depression, the lonely feeling and the doubts about the reasons. And then we haven't even started talking about possible stress, depression and anxiety.

How men and women experience a breakup

How we experience a breakup is never the same. It varies per person and it also makes a difference whether you are a man or a woman. And, research shows, both genders experience breakups in different ways. Although women experience more emotional pain after a breakup, they do recover. It is the men who have more problems with it in the long term.

Researchers from Binghamton University and University College London managed to gather 5,705 participants in 96 countries to study the consequences of a relationship breakup. All participants in the large-scale study were given the opportunity to share their experiences of the emotional and physical pain of the last breakup they had experienced. They were allowed to rate this relationship breakdown on a scale of one (no pain) to 10 (unbearable pain).

Women experience more pain

From the analysis of the results, the researchers discovered that men and women experience their breakups differently. Overall, women experience the most pain after a breakup – both physical and emotional pain. Women give the emotional burden an average of 6.84, while men give it an average score of 6.58. When it comes to physical pain, women give an average of 4.21 compared to 3.75 for men.

Despite the fact that women seem to suffer more from it, women do tend to recover better (and completely). The result is that they come out stronger emotionally. Men, on the other hand, never fully recover – they just move on with their lives.

According to Craig Morris, lead author of the study, the differences come down to the biological and evolutionary differences between women and men. Because women have more to lose if they date the wrong person, they experience a breakup differently than men. For them, a short love affair can lead to months of pregnancy and many years of breastfeeding, while men don't have to bear that burden.

Why it hurts more

“It is this 'risk' of higher biological investment why women have become more choosy in selecting a high-quality mate,” says Morris. “That is why the loss of a relationship with a high-quality partner hurts a woman more.”

This works differently for men. The loss of a high-quality partner does not initially hurt a man that much, the research shows. But while they may not experience as much pain at first, it will take them much longer to process it – if at all.

“The man will feel the loss more deeply and for a longer period of time,” says Morris. “That's because it only later dawns on him that he has to start all over again if he wants to 'replace' what he has lost. Or worse, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable.”